Father’s feel the deck stacked against them, as though mothers have the upper hand in family court, while it is in the child’s best interest to have a great dad. While this article discusses fathers and mothers, or one side of the perspective viewing the other, it is not meant to be one against the other. If anything, I am trying to help parties understand and appreciate the other. I believe these principles can help parties — whether fathers or mothers (or third-party, etc) coparent more effectively.
Before getting into the context, please note that this doesn’t apply the same in situations where there has been a pattern of domestic violence. While I believe it is possible for families to heal from those situations, I want to warn that it would be easy to misconstrue the meaning here when applied to those situations because that is often the exception to what I am saying here. I believe there are principles here that apply regardless, and this article may be helpful in any situation, but situations of domestic violence (and other more traumatic circumstances) involve different treatment.
Okay, it needs to be stated that I do not believe that mothers want to deny children the opportunity of having more from the father. That is just not in the nature of mothering. Oftentimes, when it seems that way, or the mother might have that particular thought or emotion, it can stem from the hurts and the fact that fathers make it seem like they want to give more money and less of themselves. There is an emotional and psychological perspective that most fathers don’t understand. As a father, I admit that it is difficult for us to naturally understand, and we can be stubborn in our perspective. I believe it is good for a human being to humble themselves and be open to another perspective. While it might seem like mothers want to keep it this way indefinitely, I don’t believe they do, even if they want to keep it that way temporarily. I believe that mothers might want to encourage fathers to keep their distance when they feel a tremendous amount of hurt, but ultimately they want more for their children. Mothers tend to be very sacrificial in their love. Fathers do also. Both can express it in different ways.
You will constantly hear from me “more, not less.” I believe we need to desire “more, not less” for our children. Oftentimes, particularly when dealing with younger clients, they have a hard time seeing the “more, not less” principle in divorce and two house-hold situations. The principle is simply that we want “more, not less” in everything for our children. We want them to have more of all that can help them grow as people. We don’t want to selfishly deprive them of something because we don’t get the benefit. Believe it or not, this principle gets us the most child support, and it does so for the right reasons. On the other hand, this principle helps us see child support (and spousal support) from all perspectives. We need to work on ourselves, and giving them as much as we can on our side of the equation, but we also need to see that we want as much as possible on the other side. We can’t control the other side of the equation. We can only hope to influence it with a positive example. Obviously, we want more for our children. We need to fight for “more, not less.”
During the trauma of family separations, mothers tend to care more about the mental and emotional needs, while fathers focus more on the practical needs. Both are important. It is just that we have a tendency to go to a particular extreme under extreme situations. And we hunker down, defending our position, further escalating the situation. It helps to take a step back and realize the tendency. That is where counseling will do us a world of good.
It is also important to note that family court will not bring you the emotional, mental, spiritual relief that clients often expect and hope it will provide. It is important to know that and learn that throughout the process. Just like certain medical situations require a team of doctors, separations involving children also require a team approach.
I believe that lawyers should counsel, not as a certified family therapist, but using the law in a therapeutic manner to help the families heal. We need to have a big picture, not short-sighted approach. Of course, we should do it to get the most benefit for our clients, and I presume that my clients know what is best for their families. They know better than I do, while they also appreciate the help of gaining greater perspective. Lawyers can be a vital member of the team, even guiding the leadership in the proper direction, but should not be perceived as miracle workers and all you need.
Lastly, I believe that children need strong fathers and strong mothers — better leadership on the parent level is what the world really needs. As a parent myself, and someone who constantly helps families, I believe the job of parenting is difficult but worth it. It’s where we most impact the world. This is complicated by separation and all the challenges coming with it. We shall not be hopeless. There is hope that our strength of character shines through the adversity. We cannot fix the other party. But we can empower you to be your best for your children. You will be a success as you courageously fight for “more, not less,” and they will grow up knowing that about you, which is especially meaningful as they mature through the challenges of life.
